This morning was no different, and although I can’t remember my dream as well as the first weird dream, I was struck by the climax/end of the dream, and so I’m adding this one as #2.

I remember being chased clockwise around the perimeter of a stone tower or tall building of some sort, probably 50-80 feet tall.  I was being chased by a large monster with a long neck.  It might have been a dragon, I’m not sure.  Suddenly, the dragon turned the other way and appeared in front of me to the left of the building.  I was terrified.

At once, I was no longer myself, but instead a spectator standing just a few feet away watching a woman staring up at the monster.  The woman was in her 20s or 30s with dark hair, and she was holding a giant indigo or purple lance with both hands over her shoulder, kind of like you would hold a bazooka.  The lance was 10-15 feet long and several inches wide – about the size of a lance used in jousting – and the posture of her body indicated that it was quite heavy.  Then, right next to her appeared a young girl, holding an identical lance.  In fact, it was the same woman, but instead she was about 8-12 years old.

Within seconds there were several versions of the woman at different ages, each holding a lance.  The women were in slightly different poses, each holding the lance at a different angle and partially overlapping.  The different versions of the woman started to take the same posture, and eventually combined back into the original.  Even though there was no physical indication, I knew that somehow the woman now had more power based on the combination of different versions of herself.  She took her right hand off of the lance and aimed with her left, ready to throw it like a spear right at the monster…and I then woke up.

I was in the shower thinking about the dream, and since I tend to think really clearly in the shower, an interesting and meaningful game idea hit me.  I imagined a game where the player had to essentially play through a woman’s memories.  The game could be split up at different stages of her life, where the player experienced what it would be like to be the woman at that stage.  The woman’s strengths and weaknesses would be based on who she was at that time.  As a younger girl, she would be physically weaker and more vulnerable, yet more fearless and zealous.  As a woman, she would be stronger, yet more cynical about the world.

Then the game would culminate in a moment where different versions of herself would combine together.  This would represent various aspects of the woman’s consciousness being healed, and the woman would become fully satisfied in who she is.

I was young again and found myself sitting next to my mom on the couch.  She was fiddling with a sleek, black TV changer.  It resembled the keypad on a RAZR phone, so it seemed sort of futuristic.  She handed it to my dad who made some silly comment that made me laugh.  I wish they were still married.  I wish he was still here so I could hear more of his jolly teasing.

Then there was a design competition where the architecture and design firms of the community could submit designs for a light rail system.  It was really exciting to think about the prospect of a light rail system where I lived (wherever that was).

Next, I envisioned a bizarre fashion illustration that suggested I had created a fad of specifically not putting any jewelry on the wrists of the runway models.  I was a prominent fashion designer, and at the time I made the illustration, my carpal tunnel was really bothering me.  I left their wrists bare as an expression of that pain.

I feel like I’m embarking on some epic quest here.  I feel like I’m part of an expedition, or maybe a group of expeditions, exploring the nether regions of the globe.  That’s what game development seems like right now, especially the so-called “indie games” scene.  Ha!  I suppose I’m being over-confident when I assume I’m “part” of it, but it is all around me and I can’t help but feel like I’m a part of it.

But I shouldn’t get hung up on that.  On “being a part of something.”  I need to just do stuff.  Just freaking make things.  They don’t even have to be games.  I guess at first they can’t really be games, since I’m more of an artist or designer type than a programmer.  As long as whatever I do represents me, or more specifically what God has made me to be, I think that’s what matters most.

How can developers work so hard making some AAA title for a huge studio, on a game they don’t even care much about, only to release a game that will be forgotten in a month?  I guess I’ve done it, but I could only tolerate it for a little while.  Why aren’t there more developers just striking out on their own?  Doesn’t the fear excite them?  It excites me.  I think God turns that fear into excitement for me.

Spiritual games?

I think He wants me make meaningful, experimental, or quirky games.  Games that explore spirituality.  Games that explore theological concepts.  Games that are deeply personal.  I hope I’m right.  I hope that is God’s voice I hear and God’s desire I feel.  Everyone who has advised me on this decision has told me that I should go for it, but I can’t help but feel some doubt.

Maybe that doubt is my fear.  Instead of being afraid to be independent, I’m afraid to be confident that what I’m doing is right.  Maybe that makes me just like the other game developers out there.  I should find that out and ask some developers about it.  I bet I’m like them in surprising ways.

At any rate, I’m going to charge ahead.  As I’ve been told before, I should put myself in a situation where only Jesus can save me.  So my intention is to do just that.  To embark on an adventure so perilous, that I’m almost doomed to failure, if it wasn’t for some supernatural power preventing me from failing.  Would that be proof enough for some?  I hope so, because it would be proof enough for me.